


can't just turn away

by heartsopenminds



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: HIV/AIDS Crisis, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-15 11:29:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29063613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartsopenminds/pseuds/heartsopenminds
Summary: Nigel doesn't need to watch a TV drama about the AIDS crisis, he remembers it all happening at the time.But Kath feels differently, like somehow she owes it to Phil, and to every mother who lost a son.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 25





	can't just turn away

**Author's Note:**

> Here's the trailer for the show referred to [It's A Sin](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnR5DxP2e2g)

“Do you want a cup of tea, love?” Nigel asks, poking his head into the lounge.

Kath looks over from the TV. “Are you taking a break? Thought you’d be up there all afternoon.”

“Yes, just a quick one. I want to try and finish before I lose the daylight.”

“Well, a tea would be lovely. And bring us in a couple of digestives as well, would you?”

Nigel laughs to himself at that. Kath is convinced that Phil gets his sweet tooth from him, but she can never resist a little treat with a cuppa.

“Of course,” he replies. He gestures towards the TV. “Did you manage to find it?”

“Oh yes, it was Channel 4 not Netflix. I just downloaded the first episode on catch up.”

Nigel nods. “Good. Well I’ll be right back with that tea.”

He makes his way to the kitchen and puts on the kettle. He’s really enjoying the painting he’s working on at the moment, but he wonders if he should stay downstairs instead and keep Kath company.

He understands why she feels she needs to watch the programme, that it’s a way of showing solidarity with Phil, but he also knows she won’t find it easy. Maybe he should be there for support, just in case she needs him.

It isn’t that he has anything against watching it, he thinks, as he pours hot water over the milk and teabag in each mug, it’s just that he remembers living through it all at the time - the headlines, the fearmongering, the haunting images of how it devastated people’s lives, and he doesn’t feel any need to go back and revisit it.

When he returns, he sees Kath still sitting there, looking at the download screen with a slight furrow to her brow.

“I think you forgot to press play, love,” he says mildly, setting the tea and biscuits on the coffee table.

She huffs out an affectionate, exasperated sigh. “I’m perfectly capable of working the telly thank you very much.”

Nigel raises a sceptical eyebrow – it doesn’t happen so much now, but when they first got the smart TV, he lost count of the times she called up to him from the bottom of the stairs to complain that it had gone wrong again.

“Oh stop it,” she says, shaking her head. “And go back to your painting.”

She waves him away and turns back to the screen, but he waits a moment. Sure enough, she hesitates again with the remote control in her hand. He can’t quite see the expression on her face from the angle he’s at, but he doesn’t need to.

He goes over and takes a seat next to her on the couch.

“Look, you don’t have to watch it you know,” he says quietly. “I know you think you should, but you really don’t have to if it’s going to make you upset.”

Kath frowns. “I know I don’t have to. I could easily watch something else instead. But," she says, shaking her head, "that’s just it, isn’t it? That’s what happened back then. It was scary and overwhelming, so people turned away. They didn’t want to think about it so they just swept it under the carpet because it wasn’t their problem, and look what happened.”

She turns to him and he can see the indignation in her eyes.

“All those men, all those boys just left to-“ She lets out a shaky breath before continuing. “- to die. And it didn’t need to be that way, did it? If people had helped, if people had taken it seriously. Had taken them seriously.”

“You’re right love,” he says softly. “It was awful and people should have done more. But we can’t go back and change the past, much as we might like to. And things are so much better these days. So maybe it’s best not to dwell on it.”

She sighs, her thoughts weighing heavily.

“I just feel guilty, I suppose, that we didn’t have to go through that, but other people did. Other mothers did. I mean, what if it had all happened when Phil was growing up? What would that have been like for us, as a family? It’s not just about people getting ill, it’s about all the rest of it, the cruel words, the prejudice. Just the thought that people might have been looking at our boy and thinking hateful things about him….” She trails off.

Nigel reaches over, takes her hand in his.

“I know it upsets you love, and you just want to protect him from the world, you want to protect both our boys. But you must know that if we had needed to go through that, we would have. When things get tough, we come together as a family, and we get through it. It’s what we do.”

He looks at her meaningfully, and she gives a slight nod, acknowledging his words. Life hadn’t always been easy for them, but they always pulled together and came out the other side.

“It’s just…sometimes I think about us,” Kath says, haltingly. “About how we might have reacted, if all that was still going on when we’d first found out about him being gay. Would we have reacted differently? Would we have been ashamed? Of our boy? Would we have told him to hide it?”

She buries her face in her hands.

“I just can’t bear the thought that we might have hurt him like that.”

Nigel puts his arms around her and pulls her to him in a hug.

“As much as we both love him, I suppose there is a chance that might have happened. I mean, we definitely made a few mistakes when it all came to light, but we figured things out in the end."

Nigel still remembers the panic on Phil's face when they first tried to talk to him about his sexuality. It was the wide-eyed look of terror he had when he was a little boy and got caught doing something he shouldn't have, and knew he was in trouble. It still broke Nigel's heart to think about it now, that Phil could ever think it would make them love him less.

"The truth is that we adore him, and he knows that. So if we’d made more mistakes, we’d have fixed them too. We’d have learned. Things would have got better.”

“Yes. Yes, I suppose you’re right,” Kath says, voice still a little shaky.

“Maybe I'll sit with you while you watch it. I could do a quick clean up in the studio and be back in ten minutes?” Nigel offers, gently rubbing her back.

Kath pulls away, and pats him on the arm, giving him a smile.

“No, you’re fine. You finish your painting love.”

He kisses her on the forehead.

“Well, if you're sure, I’ll leave you to it.”

Just as he’s about to shut the door behind him, Kath calls out.

“Nigel? We’ll give him a call tonight, shall we?”

He gives a little nod in response and smiles. "We will."


End file.
